|
Current Articles:
The Great Fanquest
Setting
the Record
Straight
Trials of a
Mid-list Author
The Secret
Regular Columns
Cliff Diving
Boxer Spotting
The Flaming
Critic
|
|
The Great Boxer Caper
by Tina Morgan
Darin banged
on the top of the Fantasy Motel front desk with a hardback edition of
Strunk & White's Elements of Style. "Order! Come on men focus!"
"Why are we
meeting at the Motel?" Kevin asked. "I thought we found a new home at
Yahoo."
"Yahoo sucks,"
Rob said, echoing a sentiment many people worldwide felt every time Yahoo
relabeled their emails as spam.
"Because the
women are all congregated at Yahoo ogling the white boxer shorts AGAIN,"
Darin fumed. "It's enough to give a writer a complex. He can't please his
female readers unless he includes those blasted shorts in a story. Nothing
else measures up."
"Yeah, we know
that," Kevin said. "So what do you propose we do about it?"
"Someone has to
sneak into the Yahoo compound and steal the boxers. It's the only way."
"Not me!" Kevin
and Rob exclaimed in unison. "They'll kill us!"
The two argued
vehemently about whom should be the sacrificial lamb and Darin banged his
copy of Elements of Style down on the desk again. As even the hardback
edition wasn't large enough to produce adequate sound to compete with the
ensuing argument, Darin looked for something else to use as a gavel. He
spotted his hardback edition of Terry Pratchet's Discworld. No, that would
be sacrilege! Ah ha! The perfect thing! Picking up Tina's discarded
hardback edition of Goodkind's Faith of the Fallen, he banged away with
enthusiasm. (He didn't even stop when Rob and Kevin quit arguing to see
what the racket was.)
"DARIN!" Rob
yelled. "You have our attention. Do you have a plan for stealing the white
boxers that doesn't involve any of us being tossed over a real cliff??"
"Yes, but
Kevin's going to have to let us borrow Harry."
"NO!" Kevin
clutched his little talking gerbil to his chest. "Not Harry!"
"Okay, how about
Tiny?" Darin asked.
Kevin looked
sheepishly around the room. "Can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Tiny's not
real."
Rob scowled.
"What do you mean the midget pachyderm isn't real? Then what was that
brown stuff at the bottom of the cliff?"
"I'm exercising
my 5th amendment rights." Kevin muttered.
"Um…Kevin…" Rob
said. "You don't live in the USA."
"Says who?"
Kevin gently squeezed Harry's snout shut so he couldn't rat him out.
"Oh come on!"
Darin pulled the other two into a huddle. "This will work if we stick
together."
###
Back at the
yahoo compound a deranged fan streaked past the white boxer shorts in
search of the man in question. Carol clapped a hand over her eyes and gave
a moan of disgust.
"Who let her out
of the county lock up?? Isn't it enough that I have to look at naked
50-year-old women at work? Why does she have to follow me here?" Carol
grabbed Tina by the arm and shoved her in the direction of the offending
streaker. "You said you were learning karate, go restrain her and get her
out of here."
"ICK!!!" Tina
squealed. "No way!"
"Well I'm not
doing it. I've had my fill of trying to stuff her scrawny butt back into
her coveralls." Carol stalked back inside the compound. "I'm going to get
some lunch. IF I can keep it down. Eeew…"
"If we have any
mayo left after the boys used it at the bottom of the cliff would you
bring me a tuna salad sandwich?" Val called.
"Sure."
Tina walked over
to adore the white boxers and to make certain the crazy streaker hadn't
breathed on them. "I think we need to build a protective case around the
shorts, what do you think, Val?"
"Probably a good
idea."
"What's that?"
Tina squealed as something small and furry ran across the toe of her shoe.
"It's Harry,
Kevin's talking rodent," Val said and picked the little gerbil up. "I've
been bribing him with sunflower seeds to tell us if the men are up to
anything we should know about."
She listened
intently as the gerbil whispered in her ear. A shock gasp escaped her
lips. "They sent Harry to steal the boxers!"
Carol came back
out of the compound and handed Val her sandwich. "Just keep the mayo off
the shorts. You know how it makes the men think we've done something
warped with them."
The women rolled
their eyes.
"As if their
minds aren't in the gutter more than ours," Tina said.
They all nodded
in agreement and Carol asked, "Did the streaker leave?"
"Yes, but we
have bigger problems." Val filled her in on the men's vile plan.
Carol's scream
of shock and dismay nearly shattered the other women's eardrums. "The
boxers! They're gone!"
The women turned
to stare at the sacred shrine in horror. Sure enough the boxers had
disappeared.
"When I catch
the culprit I'm going to throw them over the cliff!" Val said. She gave a
squeal of pain and grasped her right hand. Harry had bit her thumb and run
off. "That blasted rodent!"
"He was just
using you for the sunflower seeds."
Hours later the
women found the three culprits hiding back at the fantasy motel, trying to
burn the sacred white boxers. In a fit of indignant anger the women
manhandled (can women "man" handle?) the culprits to the edge of the
cliff. Their pleas for mercy were ignored and they were forced over the
edge into a large pile of something fluffy and white.
"What is that
stuff?" Carol asked.
"I don't know
but they didn't scream in pain so maybe we should go check," Tina said.
"Maybe it's
albino vorpal bunnies," Val said.
"No, there would
be lots of blood and screaming if that was the case," Tina replied.
###
At the bottom of
the cliff, BOB of the Bob's stared at the other men. "What are you doing
down here? You're going to give away my secret!"
"What is this
stuff?" Kevin asked as he tried to upright himself in the middle of the
white fluffiness.
"BOXERS?!" Rob
screamed. "Where did all these come from?"
"I've been
trying to hide them from the women. But Noooooo you three had to give it
away." BOB stomped off.
The women made
their way to the bottom of the cliff. Val held up one pair of the boxers.
"So THIS is why Kmart's always sold out."
"Yeah," Tina
agreed. "Walmart too."
"I'd even tried
mail order." Carol said.
"Quick! Where's
that lighter, Darin?" Rob asked.
The women
laughed wickedly, "It won't do you any good. We have MILLIONS on back
order."
© Copyright 2004 Tina Morgan
Home
|
