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Revenge of the
Clichéd Characters: Part One: The Quest
Part Two: Call
To Council
Carl
Budding School of Writing
Danger!
Revisions can Cause Throbbing Headaches
Regular Columns:
Cliff Diving
Boxer Spotting
The Flaming
Critic
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Revising First Work Causes Throbbing Headache to Author
Jeanne Allen
"THE
MOST DARING DREAMS
PROLOGUE 2097
The terraforming of Mars into a planet suitable for Earthian
life form began over seven decades ago. Roving soil-converting units,
orbiting sun-reflecting mirrors, transplanted vegetation and commercial
iron ore processing served to produce the necessary atmospheric conditions
which presently made the planet comfortable enough for human activity. As
a result, temperatures on Mars were similar to those found in a northern
temperate forest on Earth during autumn."
"Hold
it!"
"Hey, you look familiar, like me, but your hair's beginning to
turn gray, and you're wearing bifocals."
"That's because I am you. It's six years later."
"Huh? I've traveled through time?"
"In a sense."
"The room looks different. What was wrong with the orange
curtains? But I do like these new ones. I see I still have good taste."
"Thank you."
"So why am I here?"
"So that I can impart to you the writing wisdom I've gained in
the last six years as you revise The Most Daring Dreams. Not that
there isn't a lot left to learn."
"What's wrong with The Most Daring Dreams? It's a science
fiction thriller slash romance."
"That may be, but your first paragraph's gotta go."
"What makes you say that?"
"Infodump."
"Infodump?"
"Too much boring information. You're lucky if a reader makes it
through the first few paragraphs."
"It's not boring to me."
"Trust me. Start with a bit of action. Show don't tell. Work in
the necessary information a little at a time."
"Ok...if you say so."
"Perhaps Chapter One would be a better place to start. Let's
take a look at it."
"You're the boss."
"CHAPTER 1
2097, Omaha
Pacing
the tarmac near his ship, Thor checked his watch, then swung his gaze
toward the hangar. His passenger's luggage and crates had been loaded into
the craft shortly after his arrival, yet there was still no sign of her.
He'd even had time to reinspect the landing gear while he was made to
wait. Shaking his head, he eyed his watch again. And Ganymede said she was
regulation, through and through. Oh, great, Thor remembered thinking at
the time. Another humorless Delegation employee to have to tolerate during
a long space flight. Regardless, he was anxious to get going to Jupiter's
moon, Europa. The fate of too many rested on the success of this mission.
Helena hurried through the spaceport, knowing she was running
behind schedule. But she had good reason to be late. It was imperative she
tie up loose ends at the lab. As the spaceport guide led her through the
side door, Helena's gaze was drawn to a tall man standing by the
spacecraft's escalator, his long copper-colored hair flowing free."
"Wait
a second."
"Now what?"
"There's definitely more action here, but you head-hopped."
"Head-hopped?"
"You switched from his point of view to hers."
"So?"
"A reader might get confused on whose POV the scene is in."
"Did it confuse you?"
"No."
"Then why can't it be written from both POVs?"
"Um...from what I've read about writing, you're supposed to
stick to one POV per scene."
"But what about omniscient and multiple POVs? I've heard of
famous authors changing POVs in the same paragraph, the same sentence,
even."
"You're not famous yet. Keep it to one POV per scene."
"Hmm...I'll have to think about it."
"Let's go on."
"... Their distance from Earth was
increasing."
"Excuse me."
"Now what?"
"You used 'was
increasing.' Change it to 'increased'. It's more immediate. Use linking
verbs sparingly."
"Right. I'm getting a headache."
"The road to success is never without a headache or two. What's
next?"
"From
his post at the control panel, he surreptitiously watched his shipmate,
noticing that her figure was slender within her gold and black regulation
clothing. Her medium frame seemed taller as she moved with
straight-shouldered elegance. His eyes followed the shimmery fabric along
her seductive curves.
This could become a very satisfying habit—watching her. At
least for the moment, her presence soothed his troubled conscience.
Memories of the incident that occurred on Mars still haunted him. Always
would. That he'd been carrying out orders didn't make him feel any less
responsible for its outcome."
"You
haven't said anything for, um, three whole paragraphs."
"That's because it reads okay."
"Only okay?"
"Well, I'd cut out the
adverb and the word 'that.' Try 'From his post at the control panel, he
spied on his shipmate, noticing her slender figure within...' And
later, writing 'Memories of the incident on Mars...' would remove
some unnecessary words.
"Maybe I should just toss
the whole thing into the round file."
"Please, don't."
"It seems every sentence needs changing."
"You'll end up with a more crisply written novel. Besides, I
want to know what horrible thing Thor did on Mars and if a romance heats
up between he and Helena."
"You don't remember? Their government prohibits them from
becoming romantically involved. Do I lose my memory in the future?"
"I was speaking hypothetically as a reader. Hopefully, the
reader will also be anxious to know if the two will arrive on Jupiter's
moon in time to rescue the people there. I think it's a good story. Very
suspenseful."
"Why, thank you. And don't forget the part about James Ganymede,
their ruthless boss, who has his eye on Helena."
"Stop right there. Let the story speak for itself."
Jeanne Allen writes science fiction and fantasy romance
from her home in the North Woods of Minnesota.
She's the author of the novellas
"Isadora" and "The Treasure of Arvalis" in the highly acclaimed
Twilight Crossings anthologies available from Double Dragon Publishing.
The Most Daring Dreams will be re-released by DDP (double-dragon-ebooks.com)
in April, 2005.
Visit Jeanne at
her website at
http://www.cpinternet.com/~jeeniec
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