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Revenge of the Clichéd Characters: Part One: The Quest
Part Two: Call
To Council Danger! Revisions can Cause Throbbing Headaches
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The Carl Buddig School of Writing We at Carl Buddig, having for many years successfully applied our five-step methodology – smoke, slice, chop, press and cook – to the production and marketing of sandwich meats, decided it was time we turned our expertise to other endeavors. Our attention was immediately drawn to the natural congruence between the processing of poultry, pork, and beef and the processing of words, sentences, and paragraphs. And so we offer to you, the aspiring writer, the Carl Buddig Program for Fabulous Fiction. For centuries writers have gone about the business of writing with the awkward notion that writing is an art rather than a skill to be studied, learned, and mastered. As a result there has been a lamentable focus on talent, the muse, and getting into the writing zone. Here at Carl Buddig, we believe that anyone can be a great writer if they only follow the proper process: smoke, slice, chop, press and cook. Smoke: Think of
your story as a turkey breast or a side of ham. Raw, bloody,
unappealing. But let the smoke of your imagination patiently, lovingly
transform this unappetizing hunk and it becomes a delicacy, each bite
suffused with delectable flavor. Slowly, thoroughly permeate your story
with your own aroma, and voila, you have a masterpiece in the making.
Some like to call this process percolating the story, or finding your
writer’s voice. We at Carl Buddig, have discovered that the first step to
fabulous fiction – smoking your meat -- is not one or the other, but
both. As the story hangs in the smokehouse of your mind, it is clarified,
and just as the juices of smoked meat run clear, so too will your story.
At the same time, it is permeated with the wonderful odor of your very own
smoke. Come let Carl Buddig show you how to smoke your story to
perfection. Chop: It is not enough to slice, one must chop! Chop out the fat – the empty word, the easy adverb, the lazy dialog tag. Chop out the gristle – the awkward construction, the unnecessary description, the excessive exposition. Carl Buddig can turn you into a lean, mean, storytelling machine! Press: Once you have sliced and chopped your story, it is important to reassemble the remnants into a palatable form. Readers don’t want to pick through the bits and pieces of writing that are left after you’ve diced it, any more than they want to pick over a turkey carcass the morning after Thanksgiving. The astute writer must know how to gather up what is left of their story and press it firmly, strongly so that it takes shape and holds together. Like the finest cold cuts to be had for ten cents a package, so too your story will tempt the reader to pull it off the shelf and take it home. Cook: Ah, the last step. Your story is almost complete. But before it is ready for the reader, it must cook. Some call this step of the process putting the manuscript away. But at Carl Buddig, we know that so much more happens to your story when it cooks. It is not simply hidden away in the oven of your subconscious. While there it is seared, refined, purified. Let us show you how to put the finishing touches to your story in the forge of the final fire. You have done it. You have completed all five steps in the Carl Buddig Process. Voila! You have Smoked, Sliced, Chopped, Pressed and Cooked your story to perfection. Pulitzer Prize, here we come! Note: This satire in no way intends to impugn the reputation or quality of Carl Buddig’s products, of which the author and her family are regular and contented consumers.
© Copyright 2005
Pamela K. Taylor
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© Copyright 2005 The Fractured Publisher |
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