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Boxer Thief
by Lee Masterson
Tina glanced nervously over the edge of the cliff.
"Carol, I don't
understand why you had to call a meeting on the edge of this cliff."
"I didn't have a choice. I received a threatening phone call earlier
in the week from someone that sounded like a drunk midget on helium.
He said to be here at precisely this time, with a bag of salted,
roasted sunflower seeds and he would return the Sacred White Boxers
to their rightful owner."
"Did the blackmailer say who he was?"
"No. I just figured I'd do as he says and the Sacred White Boxers
won't get harmed."
Tina frowned. "Who would be sick enough do that? They know we don't
want them returned to their rightful owner."
"I know," Carol sighed. "But if we have possession of them, perhaps
we can then bribe Oded to do some seriously wonderful things in
return. See? I filled the pit at the bottom of the cliff with White
Chocolate Sauce."
"I like the way your mind works. You didn't tell anyone else about
the ransom call, did you?"
Carol grimaced. "I did accidentally tell some other people that we
might be getting control of the Sacred White Boxers today..."
Before Tina could comment, a blast from a klaxon horn sounded, making
them both jump. "Hey, Hey! Rob of the ROBs is here with his
hysterical, mystical, crap-pical comedy show." He squeezed the red
bulb on the end of his nose and it hooted mournfully. The ladies
continued to stare at him blankly, so he pulled a cardboard sign out
of his pocket.
It read: "Applause".
Reluctantly, Tina and Carol clapped.
"Thank you. You're a great audience. And now for my next trick...
YOINK." Rob's hand darted out and grabbed at the bag of salted,
roasted sunflower seeds in Carol's hand and ran back along the path.
"Now I've got all the bargaining power and you've got egg on your
faces. HA HA!"
From behind Rob, a high-pitched voice growled semi-menacingly: "Not
so fast."
A scruffy gerbil, sporting a chain-link collar and a leather eye-patch, held out a massive joke book.
"Hand over the seeds and I promise not to give Kevin this joke book."
Rob howled. "NO! Take the seeds. Just don't give the joke book to
Kevin. I'm the funny one."
"NO!" Tina and Carol cried in unison. "Harry has the Sacred White
Boxers. Stop him."
Harry struggled under the weight of the seed-bag, but tried gallantly
to back away down the path.
"Harry. There you are!" Led on a golden chain by naked 50 year old
woman, Kevin made his way up the path. He leaned down to scoop the
gerbil into the palm of his hand.
"Put me down," Harry squeaked. "I didn't let you out of your cage."
"But I had to go and buy more tuna for my sandwiches, so I called the
next door neighbor in to let me out. And you said to bring these
silky-soft boxers with me, remember?"
Carol stepped forward. "So why did we have to bring your rodent so
many sunflower seeds if you had the boxers all along?"
"Harry doesn't EAT the sunflower seeds - he uses them as ammunition
for his blow-dart. He shoots them straight at my forehead, to push me
closer and closer to the edge of insanity. It works wonders for my
creativity."
"Ah." Tina nodded. "That explains many of the recent posts then."
Suddenly, from behind the bushes, the mysterious, elusive Lurker Lee
darted out onto the path, grabbed at the Sacred White Boxers and
hurled Harry over the cliff.
Stricken, Kevin dived over the edge after his sanity-keeper. The
stereo "Splat" echoed through the ravine.
"Aaargh. Kevin's holding a tuna sandwich. He's going to contaminate
the White Chocolate Sauce pit before Oded even arrives," Tina cried,lunging over the edge, too.
"Tina, wait! Lurker Lee's escaping with the Sacred White Boxers."
Part-chameleon, Lurker Lee's skin began to mottle, then darken, until
she was indistinguishable from the deep green leaves around her.
She faded back into Lurker-dom, along with the Sacred White Boxers...
©
Copyright 2004 Lee Masterson
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