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NEWSFLASH!!!
by Kevn Tsserand
Accordng to eye wtness accounts, the 9th letter of the alphabet has
dsappeared from the Englsh language. Dctonary publshers have been
hardest ht, wth most pages reduced to meanngless jbbersh, and the
entre, um, "aye" secton completely mssng as automatc sort
algorthms redstrbuted the words that prevously appeared there.
Language experts are stumped, and are conductng emergency meetngs to
decde on an approprate course of acton.
Some feel the best approach would be to outlaw the use of words that
formerly made use of the now defunct letter. The hazard that would
result though, would be a plethora of awkwardly worded prose.
Others feel that subst!tut!ng an exclamat!on po!nt !n all !nstances
where an "!" used to appear would solve the cr!s!s. However, that
g!ves even the m!ldest text the feel of d!re emergency. Cr!t!cs
cla!m that the result!ng subl!m!nal effect would cause an ep!dem!c
of
anx!ety attacks.
Another possyble solutyon to thys dyffyculty ys to use the letter
"y" yn yts place. Thys letter already sometymes makes the requyred
sound, and therefore seems at fyrst glance to be an obvyous fyt.
Thys ydea was quyckly sylenced however, when yt was poynted out that
the pronuncyatyon of words lyke "flyyng" and "skyyng" would become
too ambyguous, not to mentyon symply lookyng sylly.
A related alternatzve suggestzon was to grant a second sound to an
exzstzng letter zn order to take up the slack. The obvzous chozce
would be "Z", sznce zt's currently the least frequently used letter
zn the alphabet. Several letters already do double duty. "C" and "G"
are the most notable examples, and "H" acts as a catalyst to modzfy
several others. The znztzal reactzon was negatzve, wzth detractors
questzonzng the valzdzty of havzng a szngle letter able to act as
both a consonant and a vowel, but they were quzckly szlenced when
someone poznted out we already have "Y" dozng just that. Thzs
proposal zs now gaznzng ground and seems a lzkely candzdate for
general adoptzon. There zs, however, a small but vocal contzngent of
kzndergarten teachers complaznzng
that lzttle kzds learnzng to read by soundzng out words wzll get
confused and end up soundzng lzke they are zmztatzng a very bad
eastern European accent.
At the present tme however, no resoluton has yet been reached, and
the smplest approach s to smply leave t out entrely.
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Missing Letter Found!!
(the editorial staff would like to thank Sheri L.
McGathy for loaning us the use of several "I"s for this column)
After an exhausting search, the
9th letter of the alphabet was found at author Sheri L. McGathy's
house.
When asked why she was hoarding them, she replied, "Because I can."
We
questioned this assertion until she showed us her pet dragon, Talwyn.
It seems the dragon's breath has been rated at kill levels instead
of Foul Reek.
ROB of the Robs is responsible for this
discovery. In a statement he said, "Sher
has obvously been hordng the mssng letters snce she blatantly
used three of them n her emal!! 'm appalled!!!!!!"
Sheri's reply
was quite cocky. "I can freely waste the I since I have them all
here with me"
Until we find a way to liberate the 9th letter, Ms. McGathy has said
that it can only be used if we pay a usage fee. (Lots of dragon
kibble.)
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We interrupt this news page for an important announcement.
The Fractured Publisher is in need
of content. If you think you have what it takes to write warped and
cracked prose while promoting your favorite e-books and small press
authors, please check our
Submissions
Page
Thank you...we now return you to
the madness.
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NESFLASH!!!
by Tina Morgan
ord had it that another letter has
been stolen from the alphabet. hile the 23rd letter doesn't see as
much use as the 9th, it's loss can be felt by evil villains
everyhere.
After all, Mahahahahahaha! just
isn't as intimidating or sinister ithout that letter.
Evil villains are complaining that
they're not being taken seriously anymore.
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