Take the Fractured Publisher's Personality Quiz and find out just how fractured you really are!!!

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Don't Worry Mr. Spud is Here!
by Samantha Morgan

When news arrived of the disappearance of the deadly but sexy Celesea Celerystick, the Ultra Secret Society for the Annihilation of Vegetarians sent their top agent, Harry Giantpickle to find her.

Harry soon found he was out of his league. The clues were leading nowhere and the Prince of Pistachio was pressuring the Society to locate his future queen.

So where was Harry to go? Where should he look? Now would be the perfect time to have a chat with Pea, the head of the society! Yes Pea, Pea would know, she always knows!

In a remote cabin right smack dab in the middle of the Ponderosa Pork Park, Pea sat behind her slightly unstable toothpick desk as she gave Harry the name of their only possible savior.

"Who?" Harry asked, not sure he'd heard her right.

"Spud. Mr. Spud," came a mysterious voice out of the darkness.

"Can we have some light in here?" Harry complained.

"No," Pea said.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because it would ruin the moment," Pea replied.

"Oh."

The mysterious stranger slowly shuffled out of the darkness to reveal a potato of gargantuan proportions. Harry forced his mouth shut and tried not to stare. How was he going to fit this behemoth in his two seater Bunster?

48 hours later, Harry still couldn't believe his seeds. Mr. Spud had not only managed to squeeze his bulk into the Bunster but had also deciphered clues, Harry had previously ignored (they were too hard to figure out). As Mr. Spud read the last clue, he broke down in tears. The sight of the super spy crying like a little tater unnerved Harry.

He cleared his throat and timidly asked, "What's wrong? Is Miss Celerystick okay?"

Between the sobs, Mr. Spud replied, "It's not her...it's...it's...the HORROR!!"

"What?!" Harry gasped.

"We must climb to the top of the giant pile of mashed potatoes and gravy at the senior citizens' luncheon."

"What's so bad about that?" Harry asked, "It's just a bunch of old people."

"Half my family's in there!"

"In the old folks home?"

"NO! In the deep depths of the mountain," Mr. Spud wailed.

*insert scary music here*

Unsure if Mr. Spud was up to the task, Harry timidly led the way to the buffet. The spy showed the strength of his peel when he was confronted by the chief cook and bottle washer. As he skillfully rolled under the cook's feet and toppled the mountain of potatoes and gravy, he caught a glimpse of the deadly but sexy Celesea Celerystick sitting in the corner reading a book to a wilted stalk of broccoli.

"Ms. Celerystick," Harry exclaimed as he ran to her aid, "I'm here to rescue you."

"Aren't you a little short for a pickle?" she asked. Affronted, Harry could only stare at her in astonishment.

Mr. Spud slowly sauntered up to the deadly but sexy Celesea and struck a manly pose. "I'm not short."

She looked him up and down and began to smile. "Why no, no you're not. But I don't need rescuing."

"Prince Pistachio said you've been missing for a week now!" Harry protested. "If you don't need rescuing, then what have you been doing?"

"Visiting grandpa of course." She kissed the aging broccoli on the tips of his sagging florets. "We've been reading The Season of Gold, by Sheri McGathy and it was just so wonderful, we lost all track of time."

And as they walked off into the sunset, Ms. Celerystick said to Mr. Spud, "Wait, will you get me a cup of mud to go?"

"Why yes, aerated not tilled."

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NEWSFLASH:
Fantasy Writer members seen free-falling over the list's cyber cliff!!!
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In late breaking news, it was reported to this Fractured Publisher reporter that many of the Fantasy Writer members from the infamous Fantasy Writer Yahoo list were seen free-falling through the Net waves amongst giggles and grins as they took turns diving from the lists private cyber cliff.

When this reporter asked author Tina Morgan what had started the loony leaping, she pointed toward a large pile of marshmallow cream jiggling at the bottom of the cliff and said, "Author Tee Morris just received word from fellow list member and author Sheri L. McGathy that he and she had just made the semi-finals in the 2005 IPPY's (Independent Publishers Awards)." She shrugged. "He just had to jump for joy and well..."

Kevin Tisserand simply shook his head as he peered over the cliff's edge. "I tried to stop them, I really did. You just never know what waits at the bottom of the cyber cliff. This time they were lucky."
 

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The Fractured Publisher is pleased to announce it's latest section:

The PERSONALS

***** WANTED *******

SWF/M in search of a humor writer to FIX HER CURRENT GENDER CRISES!!

Sex/cleanliness/health/marital status/job(or lack there of) NOT IMPORTANT.

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Fairy in search of a good book to build her home. Had been living in a copy of The Complete Guide to Writing Fantasy, but it keeps getting checked out of the library and then she can't find her way home. Needs suggestions for books that are rarely read.

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Single male red dragon 468 years old seeks single
female dragon aged 400-500. Colour not important
(except anything neon; that's just wrong). Smokers
fine, flamers better. I enjoy long flights on summer
evenings, dive-bombing herds of sheep, terrorizing
villagers, and cuddling together amidst the flaming
ruins of small keeps.

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LOST! One slightly warped and frayed sense of humor. If found, please return to Tina Morgan at the Fractured Publisher. The rest of the staff is threatening to rebel if she doesn't find it, like NOW.
 

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NEWSFLASH!
 

The sword of the High King has been stolen!

Following the death of Uther Pendragon, the High King of Breton, it has been reported that the legendary sword Excalibur has vanished. Rumors abound regarding the disappearance of this artifact and the High Priestess of
Avalon, Viviane, has accused the Christian priests of Glastonbury of the theft.

The Abbot has responded saying the church has only claimed that which God has directed them to claim as His property.

Viviane has scheduled an inspection of the abbey to verify the veracity of
the Abbot's claims. She has stated that the power of the Goddess will reclaim that which belongs to Avalon.

Both Avalon and the Christian church are struggling to be the primary religion of Breton and both want to have a say in who will be crowned the next High King. It is apparent that the Sword of Power, Excalibur, will be the focal point of these two groups machinations to put the person they choose on the throne.

As to who will eventually be crowned High King, the rumors are running rampant there as well. Uther left no legitimate heirs, however, The Merlin
has hinted that there is a bastard son of the Pendragon line in hiding until the time comes for him to claim the sword. It is doubtful either the Christians or Avalon, much less the other nobles, would support such an action.

Of course, the primary question of the moment is: Where is the Sword of Power? Where is Excalibur?

Sources say information may be found HERE.