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NEWS FLASH!!!!!

Multi-national best selling author is missing! Witnesses in the area say they saw what looked like an elf, a dwarf and a dragon skulking outside of her home near Toronto.

Stay tuned to the Fractured Publisher for the latest breaking news!
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EPPIE Complaint
Jeff Strand
 

I would like to register a formal complaint about my treatment at the hands of the EPPIES committee, particularly their refusal to allow me to enter CASKET FOR SALE (ONLY USED ONCE) this year. The "criteria" they used to base their "decision" upon included the following:

1. It is not available as an e-book.
2. It was published two months after the cut-off date.
3. I tried to enter it in Best Contemporary Romance Best Historical, and Best Non-Fiction (Philosophy).
4. The entry form contained forty-three (43) typographical errors.
5. The check for the entry fee bounced, and it bounced hard.
6. The book itself was the ill-fated "Pig Latin" edition.
7. To ensure that the judges would not reveal
important plot secrets, Chapters 3 through 27 were blacked out with magic marker.
8. I had torn the cover off so I could return the
book to the publisher as unsold (sorry, Dan).

Before you start agreeing with them, please listen to my side of the story, which is:

1. As the only EPIC President to serve two terms, and a five-time Master of Ceremonies of the EPPIES banquet, I should be able to do whatever the hell I want.

So let's get revenge on those hard-working, unpaid, underappreciated volunteers of the EPPIES committee!!! Make CASKET FOR SALE (ONLY USED ONCE) your present of choice this holiday season! Or, if you really want to hork them off, buy the first two books in the series as well: GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY) and SINGLE WHITE PSYCHOPATH SEEKS SAME.

The place to do it is _www.mundania.com_ (http://www.mundania.com)
Bring joy to the eyes of your loved ones AND strike a blow for independent thought regarding the EPPIES! It's a win-win situation for me!

Thank you for allowing me to vent. I go bye now.

--Jeff Strand
http://www.jeffstrand.com

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UPDATE!!!!
 

 Ms. Batwood's neighbors have reported the sound of flapping wings, the twang of bow strings and the solid THWACK! of a battle axe shortly before her disappearance.

One neighbor who was too frightened to be identified said she heard someone screaming, "Call me CLICHÉD will you!" followed by Ms. Batwood's frantic denial that she didn't write science fiction or fantasy and therefore could not be held accountable for not using trite, overused characters.
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"HEY! over here! Stop worrying about missing authors, I'm sure she'll turn up somewhere...Talwyn here."

*whispering*

"NO! I did NOT eat her. Really Fierona, you know human gives me heart burn."

"ANYWAY, back to what I was trying to say." *clearing throat* "Most of you may not know this, but Fractured Publisher has an "Around the Corner" section where we post upcoming events of interest to us dragons. So far, we've simply received nothing we're interested in. We sort of like it that way... less work, no hassles.

But, for the past week, I've been bombarded with at least fifty requests a day from pesky author Sheri L. McGathy wanting me to post information about some upcoming event that she seems to think will actually interest me.

As tempting as it is to risk the heartburn and just eat her and get it over with, I guess in the interest of avoiding mutiny by the rest of the FP staff, I'll check it out. Hmm, let's see.

She says there's to be a festival.

Ooo...I like festivals.

She says it's a book festival.

Better, I like books, and I like festivals. She's got my attention. (I won't eat her for bothering me this time.)

She says it's in Los Angeles.

Okay, this is getting more interesting.

And she says several authors from Double Dragon Publishing will be represented.

Hey, I like that name. Hmm, apparently the little pest was right. I am interested. 

Fierona and Flash, we may actually have something to post to The Corner. Here's what we got:

The Los Angeles Times Festival of Books will be held April 23rd and 24th, 2005 on the UCLA campus.


A young lady known to me only as "my very pretty daughter," will be roaming the festival handing out goodie bags and CD samplers containing book excerpts from authors, Ann Durand, Marilyn Peake, Sandra Leigh, K.L. Nappier, Susan Merson, Carolyn Howard-Johnson and our little pest, Sheri L. McGathy.

There's also to be a raffle to benefit a local LA city college! Oh, I like raffles.

All information about the raffle can be found on the CD Samplers that "my very pretty daughter" is handing out. Raffle chances end July 15th, 2005. 

If you can't find "my very pretty daughter" and her basket of CD Samplers and goodies, possibly due to large crowd of "good looking" and "not so good looking," guys hovering near, then head over to "The Author's Coalition" booth. Hopefully, mother of "my very pretty daughter" can help you.

So, in review:
What: The Los Angeles Times Festival of Books
When: April 23 and 24, 2005
Where: UCLA campus
Who to check out: "my very pretty daughter" and her basket of goodies bags and CD Samplers.

No, Flash, not that type of check out! Sorry, he got a little excited about the CD's and goodie bags!

Let me rephrase: What to check out: "The Author's Coalition" booth, the raffle and those CD Samplers with excerpts from Ann Durand, Marilyn Peake, Sandra Leigh, K.L. Nappier, Susan Merson, Carolyn Howard-Johnson and our little pest, who was right that we'd be interested, Sheri L. McGathy."

"Sounds like loads of fun, Talwyn. We actually have two things to add to the corner this issue.

Like you, I resisted the urge to eat Tina Morgan when she kept pestering me about Millennicon which takes place this March 18-20 at the Blue Ash Clarion Hotel and Conference Center in Blue Ash (close to Cincinnati, OH).

Seems there will be a lot of fun things at the convention, science fiction, science, space, writing, art, costuming, media interests, gaming and anime subjects. Author David Drake is the special guest.

Tina will be serving on a panel over the importance of having your own website Friday 10:00 PM in Ballroom 2.

No, Flash! Not THAT kind of serving. Sheesh! That dragon's all stomach.

Anyway, if you're in the neighborhood, check out The Los Angeles Times Festival of Books or Millennicon"

 

EPPIE Reply
Tee Morris
 

Dear Mr. Strand,

On behalf of the EPIC Committee, I would like to address your complaint, if I may...

1. It is not available as an e-book.

A valid point. After all, as we are the Electronically Published Internet Connection, we could not give a toss
about eBooks as they are clearly a source of media that no one utilizes for their PDA's, PocketPC's, Rocket Readers, eBookman Readers, or computers of both the laptop and desktop varieties. So,
why oh why, would we even care about the technology that is changing the way publishing is done? Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

2. It was published two months after the cut-off date.

A valid point. After all, what does a deadline truly mean? We as authors miss them all the time. "Why do today what you can put off indefinitely" is our motto. And as the Bard put it so eloquently in HAMLET: "Hey, mom. Bad touch! Bad touch!" (Oh sorry, that's OEDIPUS REX. Shakespeare wrote that too, didn't he?) But we on the EPPIE Committee completely understand your sudden attack
of intractable lassitude. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

3. I tried to enter it in Best Contemporary Romance, Best Historical, and Best Non-Fiction (Philosophy).

A valid point. After all, when it comes to genres, we say "Genres? We don' need no genres! We don' need no STINKING genres!" Just ask EPPIE-nominee Sheri McGathy or winner Jeanine Berry who write romance, science fiction and fantasy all under one title. Why limit them to only one category?

As we in America celebrate the freedom
of choice, we should also exercise the freedom to sweep award across categories in award presentations. I, for one, believe Peter Jackson should have won
the "Best Documentary" award as LORD OF THE RINGS was, in its own way, a factual account of the history of Middle Earth. Still, we appreciate your enthusiasm and bold statement made in entering your title in three genres. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

4. The entry form contained forty-three
(43) typographical errors.

A valid point. After all, what good is a spell check on your pirated copy of MS Word if it doesn't catch EVERYTHING? As far as we on the EPPIE Committee are concerned, we feel these errors reveal a "less perfect" side, as we try to "keep it real" in the publishing industry.

However, as these typos occur in our rules and regulations, these errors
may cause a problem as you have pointed out. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

5. The check for the entry fee bounced,
and it bounced hard.

A valid point. After all, who needs money? Donald Trump and Richard Branson are billionaires and yet they feel compelled to appear on exploitive
reality TV shows. Do they really need the cash? So, in this season of giving, we completely understand if you are flat broke. While you are unable to pay the registration fee, at least you are able
to pay your dues as an author. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

6. The book itself was the ill-fated
"Pig Latin" edition.

A valid point. After all, an ose-ray by any ame-nay would mell-say just as
weet-say. And as we have writers from around the globe, we believe in the international language of cash. Cold, hard cash. Earned by the next great bestseller. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

7. To ensure that the judges would not reveal important plot secrets,
Chapters 3 through 27 were blacked out with magic marker.

A valid point. After all, [CONTENT HERE OMITTED AS IMPORTANT PLOT SPOILERS WERE PRESENT.] Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

8. I had torn the cover off so I could return the book to the publisher as
unsold (sorry, Dan).

A valid point. After all, apart from booksellers, distributors, and readers, who judges a book by its cover? Since
early childhood we are taught not to do so, and therefore do we at the EPPIE Committee applaud your bold, individualistic statement in ripping off the cover. We also encourage ripping off the tag from your mattress and ripping music CD's for free
downloads. Express your individuality and beak the law! Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Before you start agreeing with them, please listen to my side of the story,
which is:

1. As the only EPIC President to serve
two terms, and a five-time Master of Ceremonies of the EPPIES banquet, I
should be able to do whatever the hell I want.

A valid point. Therefore, we at the EPPIE Committee have employed a private investigator to investigate this matter
more in detail. His name is Billibub Baddings and is currently working on
The Case of the Singing Sword. If you or any concerned EPIC Member would like to find out more about this investigator's experience, you can download his case file (for a small fee) at the following locations:

Fictionwise.com

Amazon.com

Dragon Moon Press

We assure you, Mr. Strand, we will look
into this matter. And we mean that—really, really look. Like, with a microscope and such. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Your etc.,

Thaddeus M. Balderdash, Mrs. Someone Frightfully Important on the Committee for the EPPIES