Safety Alert
(Kevin Tisserand)
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Reliable sources from within the White House (no, not the one with the president, the one down on the corner
of 5th street with the oak tree in the front yard) have leaked reports that nobody, not even old Mrs. Frobisher who accidentally killed her second husband by shoving Twinkies up his nose during a home version of Fear Factor, has been able to read the entire text of Twilight Crossings II without at least two, and in some cases several, bathroom breaks. However, there are indications that three, and perhaps as many as four individuals have actually installed computers in their bathrooms as a seemingly clever way of bypassing this problem, enabling them to continue reading ebooks while answering nature's desperate call.

The management is strongly discouraging this practice.

While there have been no known fatalities to date, the precarious positioning of electrical devices in close proximity to an abundant water supply is never a good idea. The only casualty so far has been Lolita Wong's mouse pad (featuring an image of cliff divers in action) which slipped into her toilet bowl during a brief period of over-enthusiastic scrolling. It was
not recoverable, but has fortunately been replaced with one featuring a picture of white boxers, much to Lolita's delight. But this does not mean bathroom computers are a good idea.

Double Dragon Publishing, the firm responsible for producing this amazing anthology, is stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for the dangers potentially created by their products. They are considering inserting commercial breaks periodically throughout their more popular titles in hopes it will trigger a Pavlovian response in readers conditioned by watching television. "When they hit that page," said a spokesman yesterday, "they'll automatically leave the book and head for the loo. It won't even occur to them to continue reading for about three minutes."

***

We asked one of the anthology's contributing authors, Sheri L. McGathy, if she had any comments. She was devastated that people might get hurt reading her
story, and burst into tears when she heard about the bathroom computer installations. Some skeptics
indicated they heard muffled laughter as the tears burst forth, but that is in dispute. Jeanne Allen, another of the authors, was asked what course of action she would recommend to people suffering from this difficulty. She glanced skyward as she paused to reflect (or perhaps she was just rolling her eyes in
disbelief), then suggested they should either use a portable ebook reader, or just buy the paperback version.
 

News Flash!!!
"Stalker in White Boxers Attacked by Local Authors!!!"

By Talwyn and Fierona Draconus, Dragon Reporters for the Fractured Publishers Daily Flame

After various reports of a mysterious white boxer clad stalker roaming the streets of Wholesome City, Mid American USA, authors Tina Morgan and Sheri L. McGathy decided to take matters into their own hands, literally!

Hearing that the white boxers were spotted this morning at the corner of Writer's Block and Muse Ave., Morgan and McGathy, determined to discover the stalker's identity, were maintaining surveillance in the bushes just past the bookstore when the incident happened.

Bystanders Kevin Tisserand and Rob Durney of the famous Rob/ROB duel personalities told these reporters that when the scantly clad fellow strolled by with his ever-present copies of THE FANTASY WRITER'S COMPANION and WITHIN THE SHADOW OF STONE in hand, the afore-mentioned authors, Morgan and McGathy, sprung from the bushes and wrestled the stalker to the ground.

Rob said he heard several cries for help from the tangles of bodies but ROB told him not to get involved.

"For once ROB was right," said Kevin. "It was too frightening for words."

"It's like they were rabid, they were frothing at the mouth," shuddered Rob. "I'm sure I saw Morgan sprout fangs and claws."

"Yeah, she even hissed like a territorial vorpal bunny," nodded Kevin.

"I thought her head was going to rotate 360° and spew pea soup."

Val Griswold-Ford and Carol Hightshoe said what happened next was a pure delight. As the stalker managed to rise to his feet, both Morgan and McGathy grabbed for his white boxers. 

"It was absolutely breath-taking," Ms. Griswold-Ford said. Carol simply smiled and stared off in the direction that the now nude stalker streaked.

When asked how they could have allowed the stalker to get away, McGathy mumbled something about paperbacks being very slick while Morgan refused comment as she hugged the boxers to her breast.

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Humor site publisher brain-dead for 3 days...nobody notices...film at 11."
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Celebrity Death Match on MTV is soon to feature a writer's special: Stephen King vs Edgar Allen Poe.

Rumor has it the match was started before the fighters were ready by a monkey with cymbals...King, donning a pair of "unusual boxing gloves" found in an old trunk in some dead old ladies attic, becomes possessed by the demon inhabiting the gloves and pummels poor Poe into a bloody pulp. Wounded and bleeding all over the canvas, the wimpy Poe is suddenly aided by a large black bird who flies into the ring and pecks out Stephen King's eyes while repeating mockingly "Nevermore...Nevermore." His opponent blinded and backed into a corner, Poe whips out a trowel and with some bricks he had hidden ringside, proceeds to wall King up in the corner. King's mad shrieks can be heard echoing around the arena as Poe, wimp that he is, dies from his wounds. The match is awarded to the bird."

- Reporter: Rob Durney