 |
The Fractured Publisher A Humorous Gallery of Press Releases |
 |
||
| Back Issues Staff Submissions Disclaimer | ||||
|
Current Articles:
The Great
Fanquest
|
SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT
DR. OWLA: Welcome to Setting the Record Straight. I am your hostess Dr. Owla Hooternight. Today we have a great guest GOLDILOCKS!!! I am happy and pleased to have my old friend GOLDILOCKS on the show today. We will have an open hour for your calls after the discussion with GOLDILOCKS. Thanks to a grant from the Little Red Hen Grain Farm the program is commercial free. <MUSIC> DR. OWLA: GOLDILOCKS, why don’t we begin by your telling our listeners why you are here? GOLDIE: Well, Owla as you know I have been maligned by the outside world for most of my life. The wee ones who are growing up in the forest think the stories are true. So, it is time to set the record straight. DR. OWLA: What is it you want our listeners to know? GOLDIE: Well, it is a long story do we have time for all of it? My students are very interested in my story also. The difference between truth and myth can be staggering at times. DR. OWLA: Yes we have time. GOLDIE: It was a Yellow Day. I remember it well. I was playing in the woods even though I was not supposed to. It was such a nice day I decided to play in the sunshine and the wildflowers. Playing among the wild Daffodils was one of my favorite things. I still love those Daffodils. Then I would go shake the Sunflower plants and eat the seeds as they dropped. I had a wonderful time in my own little yellow world. When all of a sudden I noticed it was getting hotter. I looked at the sky and the sun was right smack in the middle. DR.OWLA: Then what did you do? GOLDIE: I hurried home. I must have panicked as I was not suppose to be among the wildflowers in my nice dress and all as we had a family function to go to. I was happy playing among the Daffodils and didn’t realize I was lost or panicking.Suddenly I noticed the path was not the same path I took everyday and everyday. I was totally and thoroughly lost. DR. OWLA: Let me get this straight. You were playing where you always played and knew the path there and back very well and you got lost? You expect us to believe this! GOLDIE: I CANNOT tell you what to believe or not believe all I can do is tell what actually happened. I was lost!!! Pure Plain and Simple Lost!! I don’t know how it happened. There are a lot of paths splitting off from each other and I was probably studying the fauna and did not pay attention to the path I was on. I was only a child of ten. There were Daffodils along this path and no Daffodils along the path I had taken for years. I was lost. I panicked, and felt it this time. I knew my Mom would ground me for the rest of my life. I was hungry and I was thirsty. All I wanted was a drink from the mountain stream. I was too far away from the mountains for any drinks appearing miraculously. I sat down and began to sob. The sun was a bright yellow orange by then. I was past late I was overdue. I cried to the Daffodils as if somehow they could help me. But they just smiled and waved in the breeze. Suddenly, I smelled oatmeal. I decided to follow the smell. Golly, if there was oatmeal then there had to be dew or Lemonade. I would even drink that awful Meow Yow stuff. I was not choosy. I was hungry, thirsty and late. DR. OWLA: Did you know where you were going at this point? Were you scared? GOLDIE <laughing>: Was I ever scared! A scared hot hungry thirsty child. I only knew I needed to find where ever the smell was leading. Then there it was the house where the oatmeal was. I knew this house! Excitement grew. The Behrs would help me get home. Mrs. Behrs is my godmother. I played with their son. So, I called to them and there was no answer. So, I went on in. DR. OWLA: You broke into your godmother’s house? GOLDIE: <exasperated> No, the door was open. I walked into the house. By this time I was a frustrated ten year old looking for a potty. I barely made it. <laughing> Picture of the ten-year-old scrambling to get to the bathroom before she ruined her all ready ruined yellow dress. It is hilarious. <LAUGHTER HERE….> GOLDIE <sighing>: I had a bowl of oatmeal, a huge glass or ten of Mrs. Behrs’ famous Lemonade and then felt sleepy. So I retreated to the couch and pulled her afghan around me and looked at her Better Woods and Forest Magazine. Suddenly I awoke to Mrs. Behrs concerned voice. 'What is Vanessa doing on our couch? She looks so tired and dirty. I wonder what happened. I better call her mom and let her know she is all right.' Next thing I knew I had another glass of Lemonade in front of me with a plate of Mrs. Behrs delicious Story Cookies. A wonderful treat. I got a bath and Jack Behrs walked me home. Yes, I was grounded for two weeks. DR OWLA: <speaking critically to Goldie> So, you broke into the house stole food and fell asleep? GOLDIE: <FIRMLY> No!!! Absolutely not!!! You see this is how the truth becomes a fairytale. My Jeez, even the Fae know the truth. The door was open, the oatmeal was on the stove, I knew I was in a safe place and they would help me. City folk!!! They are the cause of this. They always are telling stories about the Woodlannies, which are so far from the truth it is not even funny. And my name is Vanessa, not Goldilocks. And the Behrs last name is spelled <EMPHASIS> B-E-H-R-S NOT B-E-A-R-S. I should know I married Jack Behrs! DR. OWLA: <very irritated now> You're blaming city people for this? GOLDIE/VANESSA: <takes a deep breath and begins> Most certainly. City people tell the most outlandish tales. Especially about us. Look at the Jimmy and Giant thing that is going around. The Giant just happens to be Jimmy’s Uncle who had to climb a huge big renegade beanstalk and strike it down. And to add insult to injury they changed Jimmy’s name to Jack. They just like to tell stories about us to make themselves feel better. Why? I do not [TM5]know. Just think of the story they tell about you. DR.OWLA: <SURPRISED> Me? GOLDIE/VANESSA: <FEELING very smug at this point> Yes, you. The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea!!! Need I say more? DR. OWLA: <SURPRISED AND MAD> They are saying that about me? GOLDIE/VANESSA: Yes, they are saying these things about all of us. It is terrible. We here in the Woodlands are being maligned. They say King Cole is a drunkard and a rebel rouser. And the rolly polly twins are called Tweetle Dumb and Tweetle Dee and depicted fighting over a rattle. Little do they know the twins are the most famous engineers in the Woodlands. And King Cole is a teetotaler. Tom Piper, the pig farmer is being accused of stealing animals!! It is pathetic. DR. OWLA: My, Vanessa, how do you know all this? GOLDIE/VANESSA: I'm a sociologist and have been studying the city people for years and years. I have an Advanced Degree in Outsiders Folklore and Superstitions. The problem is the younger generation believes all the rot the city folk are telling. They never venture into the Woodlands to get to know us! It is us who have to go to them. And as long as they don’t know who we are they are fine. It is time we do something. And setting the record straight is a start. DR. OWLA: <fanning herself with her notepad> Well, I need a break so Pussy my producer will play relaxing music for fifteen and then we will come back and take your phone calls. Owl and the PussyCat went to sea! Indeed! <A calmer Dr. Owla and Goldilocks/Vanessa enter the studio> DR. OWLA: Well, I don’t know about any of you but a drink, fresh air and a spritz of Clinging Vine No. 5 has made a world of difference. We are open for calls. CALLER NUMBER ONE: This is Rainna and I am known as Rapunzal in the City. A story they got completely wrong. My hair was never that long. And there was no high tower. What do I do? GOLDIE/VANESSA: Hi Rainna. We need to form a coalition and begin spreading the truth outside the Woodlands. Stories are just stories. The more we are able to get the word out the better off we will be. CALLER NUMBER ONE: Let me know when and where the first meeting will be and I will be there. Thanks Vanessa and Owla for opening our eyes. DR. OWLA: Caller number two you are on the air with Vanessa Black and Setting the Record Straight. CALLER NUMBER TWO: Hi, this is Tom. I just want to let you know I have been fighting the label 'thief' since I was 14. I don’t like it. I am in. Just let me know what you want. DR. OWLA: Thanks Tom. Vanessa and I will be in touch with you soon. Vern, Caller Number three, you are on the air. VERN, CALLER NUMBER THREE: <very huffy> I'm from the city and live on the edge of the Woodlands. What do you mean by maligning us so! We've done nothing. There are no fairy tales just the truth about you *&%$... <caller number 3 is cut off> DR. OWLA: Caller, number four, go ahead. CALLER NUMBER FOUR: Dr. Owla, I never miss your talk show. I love you. Dr. Owla: <VERY PLEASED, SMILING> Thank you, Dear. CALLER NUMBER FOUR CONTINUES: What Vanessa says is true there have been stories about me also. I raise horses. I happen to be fairly attractive and ride the Woodlands entire. I am so tired of being laughed at as the woman with bells on her fingers and toes just because I ride a horse. It is ridiculous. And where on earth is this Banbury place outsiders are always talking about? I am so tired of it. I am here to help just let me know. Vanessa, we on for Whisk later tonight? VANESSA: Yes, Bay we are. Say hello to Danbury for me. Jack and I will see you later. Thanks for your support. DR. OWLA: Caller, number five, you are on the air with Setting the Record Straight. Go Ahead. CALLER NUMBER FIVE :< ALMOST HYSTERICAL> I am soooooooooooooooo very angry at being pictured as an ugly crone on a broom with no sense of taste. That cone hat and those silly knickers with ugly stripped socks. I ask, who dresses like that? I am Molly Gauss, a Pharmacist, for those of you who do not know me. The silly name the outsiders have given me Mother Goose!!! Bah!!! I would definitely like to goose an outsider. Might even use my broomstick too!!! Sign me up girls I will be there. DR. OWLA: Well, that is all for today. We must be on our way. Before we go is there anything else you want to say to our listeners Vanessa. VANESSA: Yes, thank you. The coalition will meet this Sunday evening at Farmer Dell’s at seven thirty. Snacks will be provided. Please bring your favorite beverage. Call Meri’s House and leave a message with his maid to RSVP. I want to thank you all for your support. And if you are a city dweller. Come into the Woodlands and visit. You will find we are just like you. Come with an open mind and heart and you will be welcomed. I will be starting a lecture circuit in a few weeks and welcome all of you to come to the meeting on Sunday. DR. OWLA: Well, that is all for today. I will be at Farmer Dell’s on Sunday and do so look forward to meeting all my Woodlannie listeners. For now have a wonderful day filled with light and I will talk to you tomorrow. <AS THE MUSIC FADES AND SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT GOES OFF THE AIR LISTENERS HEAR OWLA MUTTERING> “Owla and Pussy Indeed! Why, we aren’t even each other’s type outside of work. <sniff> Went to sea did we??? I’ll show them went to sea!” RADIO ANNOUNCER: <VERY FRUSTRATED> Keep your dial here to hear more of Setting the Record Straight. Setting the Record Straight has been brought you by Little Red Hen Grain Farm. Little Red Hen Grain Farm provides the best grains for mouthwatering bread. And don’t forget Bessie’s Eggs and Henny’s Milk. Get all your baking needs from Little Red Hen Grain Farm. Building Brick by Brick with Petunia and Peter Pfigg is next. |
|||
|
© Copyright 2004 The Fractured Publisher |
||||
